The previous month was a difficult month. I was coping with an ex-partner expressing suicidal thoughts owing to the end of our relationship and I had no mean to dissuade her from it. Knowing her personality, I knew when she set her mind to it, there was nothing anyone could do. I felt being held hostage when she made it a point to hide this side from everyone else but me. I felt so helpless 6000 plus miles away. While I have always believed that no one is responsible for someone's decision to end one's life, I realised it was easier said than done when it happened on oneself. For that few days, I felt not only trapped by this sense of responsibility over a significant other's life, but also a sense of absurdity of having had worked with clients previously who had been in a similar situation and telling them that it was not their responsibility but yet now feeling so laden with it.
I have always prided myself for being able to deal with work separately from personal life thus far. But this time round, I was no longer able to differentiate between the two. All the settings that I am having my clinical practice this year deals with self-harm and suicidal clients. It almost felt that I was dealing with this theme 24/7; both professional and personal. The line was starting to blur between the two domains. I broke down after receiving another suicidal thought message on a Monday morning where I was due to see an adolescent who had been grappling with suicidal thoughts in the afternoon. I really did not think I could handle it anymore. I did not thought it would be right for me to see the client given my current state and thought of rescheduling the session. I sought the help of a colleague to convey the situation to my supervisor as I was too distressed to manage it.
My supervisor met up with me in the afternoon and we processed it. I was grateful that my supervisor chose to attend to me as an individual instead of a trainee at that moment. Now that things had settled down more, I thought the biggest learning point was being mindful when we might be treading on unethical practices. I had also reflected on how much easier it was to be on the therapist's seat exploring challenges than to be on the receiving end. It was one thing to read and discuss about it in class but another when we are personally involved in such a situation. While there are still much processing to do for this episode, I am glad that I chose to voice my struggles and not proceed with the client that afternoon.
