I contemplated if I should include this as part of my reflective diary. I thought I shall as I saw this as a significant part of my learning journey.
I hesitated because this reflection piece has to do with my experience with a supervisor from the supervision group. I was unsure if it would be appropriate but I had decided to proceed as I was clear that writing this served as a documentation of my own learning with no intention to highlight anybody.
For the past few months, I noted a change in me during one of the supervision groups. I started to be more careful in my sharing and less confident in my practice. It was a different me on whenever I attended this group. I thought about it and started to attribute this to my perceived relationship with my supervisor of this group.
I noted that it all started when I felt that I must had fumbled so badly during one of my earlier sessions that my supervisor had knocked on the door several times to ask me to explore a certain direction. That shook my confidence briefly and it did not helped that the family did not returned (at no fault of anyone other than family therapy was possibly not the best option for the family at that moment). I also found myself on several other occasions thinking that my comments during pre and post sessions had been misinterpreted. However, owing to time constraints of having to get ready for the next session, the segment often closed off with me feeling misunderstood. I started to notice that I would refrain from making comments unless asked. Gradually, I was doing more of what I thought my supervisor would want me to do than what I thought I would like to explore with the families. I felt that my wings were clipped yet I was fully aware that this was primarily a consequence of my own perceptions of what was going on and possibly a misalignment of our supervision styles.
This went on for slightly more than a month. I knew it was not personal but there were moments where emotions got the better of me and felt lousy about it. I had initially brushed it off with lots of rationalization. However, after some processing, I thought that I still have another 6 months to go. If I was to ignore this, it would not do justice to my learning and I did not believe that this was not something that we could not resolved. I had decided to approach my supervisor for a conversation after some serious pondering and consultation with a trusted mate.
My supervisor and I spoke about it. I felt that it was one of the best decisions I had made towards my learning here. We managed to clarify some of my thoughts and process some of my emotions. I also got to obtain a better understanding of my supervisor's supervision style and shared how I thought I learnt best. Together, we discussed how we could work together in consideration of our respective teaching/learning needs. It was not a very comfortable conversation as I had not been particularly vocal towards authorities and with the experiences of my comments being misunderstood during our previous interactions, I was not sure if it would happened this time round. But I think, we both sailed through this. I was grateful towards my supervisor for the openness to listen and discuss. With this conversation and our thoughts regarding what else we could do to facilitate our supervision process, I left the room feeling relieved; uncertain how things would be like going forward but certain that this was something my supervisor and I were committed to work out. I knew I could approach my supervisor for further conversations should the need arise.
Trusting the process.
[Update: August 2016]
I thought I should update this entry. It has been five months that we had the conversation. I remained convinced that the conversation was one of the best decisions I had made towards my learning. Notwithstanding the initial couple of weeks of maneuvering and finding a way to regain my confidence, things took flight thereafter. I could find myself feeling free to explore and experiment yet supported by a safe pair of hands at the same time. I think it paid off in my work subsequently.
If you happen to be reading this right now, I will like to sincerely thank you for everything that you had done; being open to listen to me and supported me when I was struggling to scale the next level in my learning. Thank you.
