[August 2016] Better late than Never

It is time to say goodbye. This is the final lap of the training at KCL. In the midst of all the craziness, I took an afternoon to think about what I wanted to put up for my last entry for the reflective diary. I thought about the viva prep (what type of therapist I was, am and will be?), looked through the entries from Sept 2014 till July 2016, and sat with a freshly brewed coffee.

Where do I begin?

Starting off to London in 2014, I was ambitious. Ambivalent about starting a new journey but the goal was clear. I wanted to learn whatever there is about family therapy and bring them back home. I left Singapore because I felt inadequate in my practice with family. So the natural course of action for me was to acquire further skills and knowledge. There must be a set of skills out there that I can use in my work with families. There must be some answers out there for me to seek out. So have I achieve my goal?

I guess not. And I am glad that I have not achieved my goal and possibly never will. If I have acquire everything I need to know about family therapy, what is left of my curiosity? Can I still be collaborative if I already know "what to do" with clients? Now, I dread thinking about the day where I stop questioning.

Looking at at two years worth of entries, I think somewhere down the road, I had evolved. The first year, the bulk of my entries was focused on techniques, theories, getting it right, doing it right. The mission was clear. Know it all (or at least as much as possible).

I did not realised it until I started reading the entries for the second year. Not that I no longer bother myself with techniques or methods, but I think what I spent a lot more time thinking were who I was, how I was responding, how I practice (versus what techniques I practice) etc. I have been pursuing the essence of practising systemically. My personal and professional life this year had changed me so much unconsciously that I think I had learnt to let go of things; letting go of certainty. And being more comfortable with uncertainty. Paradoxically, when I started to let go of the need to control, I feel better, I do better and in turn, I am in better control.

I think systemic work is very much an experiential process. We can learn all the techniques that great family therapists have devised and practice till we are so fluent in them. But I suppose the crux for me is whether I have embraced what systemic meant for me. To me, it is a sense of being. It reminded me of the experience I had when I first acquainted myself with the idea of empathy in counselling work in my early 20s. I remembered us going through empathy building techniques where we practised, "You feel.. because..". It worked for a while I guess; until one day, I felt such an intense ache in my chest area when I encountered a client who was sharing about her difficult past and it hit me that that was empathy. That, possibly is how I felt towards systemic work. I think I am starting to understand what it meant to be systemic.

It has been a year filled with loads of ups and downs. It was difficult. Really difficult. Even thinking about it right now shudders me. But I think I have survived through it all. As cliche as it is, I guess whatever that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think I am ready to go home.