[March] Growth

I felt that this month was a month of rollercoaster. The month started really poorly where I constantly felt that I did not know what I was doing during my sessions with clients and highly doubted myself. It did not helped that I found myself constantly returning to the conversation I had with the seasoned practitioner at placement last month. I am so close to the deadline of the application of the MSc programme that I really did not know if I should go for it.

Thankfully, while all these are happening, I managed to speak to several people who put me in the right place.

Made an appointment to meet Petra. She had been really encouraging and helpful in helping me process my emotions and lack of confidence. Among all, she sent me an article about my sense of feeling deskilled. It was a good read and I will include this in the portfolio. I felt so much more at ease; knowing that I am not alone in this experience. First hand experience in normalizing!

On top of that, the seasoned practitioner whom I spoke to also sat me down one of the days and said that he went back and thought about my questions to him. He drafted up a piece of reflections and wanted to share with me. I was extremely grateful to that. With this permission, I am reproducing it in my portfolio.

For some reasons, after these conversations, and some positive experiences both in the classroom and sessions, I felt way better about myself. I realized that this is possibly what others called growth. And isn't that what I am here for exactly!

To end of this month, I had finally put in my application for the MSc programme.

[February] Struggles

Am I?

Rough month.

Had a debriefing session with one of the senior pracitioners at the placement after sitting in one of his sessions. He stumbled me several times with a series of questions relating to my learning as a systemic practitioner. Having been halfway through the programme, I suddenly had this moment of incompetence arising in me. I realised that I was unable to respond to his questions and he had to prompt me in several manners to help me understand what he was asking. Yet, I came up blank.

I felt bad at that moment. I questioned the progression I had made thus far. I realised that despite being a social worker for several years and having been given the role of a supervisor back in Singapore, I have little to boost about in terms of my clinical skills and knowledge.

It did not helped that I had received the results of my assignment. I managed to get a merit for it. While I understand from the feedback that I had done reasonably well and we were told at the start of the programme that a distinction is not as common, I did have expectations of myself to perform. I suppose this is largely owing to the association of the grades to what was perceived as reasonably well at home. Distinction is awarded here to papers receiving a score of 70 and above. In Singapore, we are more or less expecting ourselves to score at least that in order to think that we do ok in the subject. Throughout the years, I had also used that to ensure that I continue to perform within the acceptable range I set for myself. This situation is further complicated that I am here on a scholarship and the funder will have access to my results. I felt an additional pressure to ensure that I do well in the programme; not just ok. I reckon that much of these have to do with my cultural influences (and my personal script) that a key indicator to measure performance is to do it quantitatively through a scoring system.

For the reasons above, I struggled with the decision to put in an application for the master programme. I knew if I do get into the programme, I will probably do well enough to clear the programme. But I questioned if I will be good enough to go back to Singapore and say that these two years are not wasted on me and I am ready to come back to share the learning and influence the rest of the peers in this area of work.

Wondering.

[January] Racism

Who am I?

For some reasons, there had been several situations this month which made me ponder who I am exactly. Have I been hiding behind the facade of a non-judgemental and insightful person because I knew the right ways to how to conduct myself in public eyes when I am actually not congruent to these beliefs?

Several conversations within my personal and professional life had made me questioned if I am indeed racist. If I am indeed having elitism. While I enjoy my work tremendously and genuinely care for my clients who come from all walks of life, particularly those who are somewhat marginalised, I was challenged totally when I had to consider where I want to live at as I am considering purchasing my own property in Singapore. I was shocked with my own words when I eliminated certain neighbourhood because of the perceived complexity regarding crimes.

During one of the clinical skills lesson this month, we also touched on minorities. I was having the discussion with someone from a different ethinicity. What I came to realise was I was extremely careful over what I said in front of this classmate. I wonder why so? Does it matter that her ethnicity is one of the national racial groups in Singapore?

I realised that growing up in Singapore, I had been very well immersed with the importance and need to be racially sensitive; that we do not speak negatively about any particular race to avoid hurting each other. Over time, it seemed to be more of a learnt behaviour that we restrained from discussing about races such that it became difficult for me to be in touch with my own bias for the fear of being labelled racist. Thus, when repeated situations arose recently regarding my own views about races, I actually was caught off guarded when I found myself having bias against certain groups. Not that I will actively discriminate against them, but I had associated certain behaviours such as crime rates with certain racial groups. I did feel my stomach turned the first time I had to this realisation. In fact, I had actively dismissed it when my partner raised it up to me.

Having the time to sit and think, I think the experiences have been helpful. While I will not say that I had totally dismissed my association of certain behaviours with certain racial groups back home, I am definitely very mindful of this thought and conscientiously making sure that I continue to work on it. In fact, I am challenging myself to conduct my second assignment with an acquaintance who comes from a highly discussed religious (and prejudiced) group internationally to explore my relationship with the social graces.

[December] Review of learning

I am currently back home in Singapore. It is good to be home after being away this long for the first time in my life. I have pretty much allowed myself to take a break on this trip. I have very much expected people to be asking me about my experiences in London. Specifically, having to meet up with my employer, part of the conversations revolved around the learning I have been acquiring in London. After all, they took a big risk with me and it was quite natural that they wanted to know if the investment has been worthwhile.

I had initially thought about what I wanted to share with them. Despite it being an informal meet up, I felt the need to convince them that it was not play for me in London. It was difficult to put together my learning. After all, I did not suppose they will be very interested to know that I had learnt how Bateson had influenced the discipline with his contribution via cybernetics or that the original Milan team split to pursue their respective beliefs in family therapy. 

However, as the meeting went on, I realised that the best contribution I had brought back was the subconscious systemic thinking I was beginning to develop. As I listened in to the development in the clinical work that had taken place back in the office, I realised that I had been able to think about the challenges in a more systemic manner. While many things sounded as though they had linear causalities, I started to question the possible circularity that could be involved. I caught myself preaching about reflecting team, a concept taught in class and experienced during my placement. I explored the possibilities of having more distinctive roles between social workers and therapists and having them work in teams. In reality, social workers are expected to double up as therapists. When a family is assessed to require in-depth therapeutic work, they are referred to the counsellors within the organisation who are not trained in systemic work. In rare situations where a family sees both a social worker and a counsellor, the professionals' work with families are independent of each other; as though families could work on their family related issues totally exclusive of what happened in another part of the family system.  

I remembered walking away from the meeting feeling that I had showed my employers a brief glimpse of my development over the past three months. While it may not be significant at this moment, I liked what I had brought along with me to the meeting and I looked forward to sharing more during my next visit back home. 

[November] Placement

A sense of anticipation as I stand on the 4th floor where the family therapists are based at. 

The administrative work at the placement has finally been settled and I have started my time with Hackney Social Care (HSC).

My bad for not understanding what social service is all about when I first responded to Grace's email on my preference. Having understood social services from the Singapore's context, I had assumed that the same, if not, similar, structure applies. Social services are provided by charities in Singapore and I have came to realize that this is not the case in the UK! In fact, they are regulated by the government here. Having been a social worker working in charities for a good part of my professional life and having to return to the same sector after graduation, I thought it will be a good opportunity to experience the way services working with families here operate and bring the learning back to Singapore. Nonetheless, other than the governing of the services, I am glad that there has not been too significant a difference in the way services organised itself around families in need. 

I recalled the first thought when I stepped into HSC, "Wow!". Having spent years working in a small organisation with not more than 20 pax in the office, I was impressed with the mere size of this agency and more importantly, a sense that a lot of learning is going to take place at this place.

I had done some homework prior to my first visit and noted that HSC has been influential in establishing a systemic foundation for social work in the country. Being a social worker, that really excites me. Clinging very tightly to my familiarity with my identity as a social worker, it was comforting to know that I get to be in a place where I can interact extensively with both family therapists and social workers and see how these two professions come together to support a family. But yes, I have to constantly remind myself that I need to step out of my comfort zone in order to appreciate the best the programme, particularly the placement, can bring.

I started the placement with a number of nerve provoking concerns. Many of my fears revolving around my ability to fit into the context. I am a Chinese descent from an Asian country. A trainee having to deal with families who are possibly having conflicts with the system already. A female who has not donned a piece of lady's clothing since high school. Despite having English as a first language, brings with me an accent my fellow countrymen can identify me just by hearing me speak. Being unmarried and childless yet having to support families be more child oriented and child-safe. And what if I cannot remember or pronounce the names of the family members especially those from non English origin? Worst of all, what if I actually cannot catch what the family is saying? (Blame that on the long term exposure to American entertainment and the stereotype of the English accent!)

Many of these anxieties had proven itself inconsequential as I had conversations with my supervisor and participated in reflecting teams with her. I realized that many of these are self-imposed pressures. While GRRAACCEESS is a genuine consideration in our work with clients, it is important that I do not let them stand in the way of establishing a therapeutic relationship. The support and supervision from my supervisor allowed me to set aside a lot of my initial concerns.

I realized that ever I started appreciating GRRAACCESS and understand the role of power in systemic work, I began to view power differently. Previously, I saw it as an inevitable evil which I will have to tame. However, the appreciation of its facilitating and hindering forces led me to learn to work with it rather than against it. Particularly, Betrando's paper on having dialogues with clients led me to think how I can hold conversations around power issues such as what does it mean for the family when I am from a different ethnicity.

Ever since I started the programme, I have been hearing the word, "systemic". It baffles me a lot. Why is it that the tutors are emphasizing the uniqueness of the programme here as being systemic. I thought I had heard this word multiple times when I was having my social work training more than 10 years ago. The classic phrase, "person-in-environment" is akin to the living motto each social worker lives by. This idea never stops making its presence felt in my work. I wonder, am I going to learn something new here or it is a re-packaging of what I already knew.

I brought this curiosity to my supervisor at my placement when she asked me about my expectations. I asked her, being a social worker, I am unsure how do I draw the line between the scope of a social worker and a family therapy trainee. I am used to the expectation of a social worker having to take care of everything relating to a family's psycho-social and practical needs. Other than making sure that everyone in the family is not deprived of their basic needs, we are also expected to provide counselling to them in a bid to improve the family's lives. I had families coming to seek help for issues relating to parenting, domestic violence, marital and mental health. I am feeling confused. I do not know how is family therapy different from what I had learnt and practice as a social worker. I am hoping that through the programme and my experiences at the placement where there are actually separate job scopes for social workers and family therapist, I will get to learn more about the different professionals and how I can marry the tools I have in both areas to best support my work with families.

[October] A new beginning

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” 

                                                                                            - Eleanor Roosevelt

My official first entry for the reflective journal. Decided to log my thoughts down in the form of blog entries. Like the flexibility that I can have on the computer where I can insert pictures and links along the way and the time stamp which accompanies the entries which will help me to track my specific thoughts at specific moments in this new beginning..

The programme has officially started. It has been a rather interesting couple of weeks. There has been quite a fair bit of ambivalence. The anxieties of being away from home for potentially the next two years; leaving behind everything that I am familiar and comfortable for the last 32 years. The excitement that brought me here; the exposure and learning of new ideas and skills in an area which I feel passionately about.

So far, things have been on a slow start. Did quite a fair bit of the development of family therapy over the past few weeks. I have to admit that some of the concepts are really way too abstract for me; a person who learns best when ideas can be illustrated through concrete application. I struggled with some of the readings having been out of touch with regular academic readings for an extremely long time.

Some of the models are familiar to me whereas some seem so foreign (and perhaps even difficult to envision them being helpful in reality) that I caught myself being close minded there. I reminded myself that I am here as a student. Having been in a position of relative power to many of my co-workers, I have ran into complacence. Or perhaps, that's just my insecurity talking? My discomfort with knowing that there are things that I do not know enough about? Regardless, I am making a commitment to myself that I will keep an open mind to my learning such that I am able to explicitly explain to myself the strengths and limitations of the different models instead of saying that I do not think that they suit my therapeutic stance.

The class seems to be really supportive so far. The tutors and classmates have been really warm and helpful. Having stayed in Singapore for my entire education journey, it has been an eye opening for me that I am having classmates from all over the world. In fact, the conversations so far have been so enriching that it is one of the things that keeps me excited about the learning I can acquire here. All of us have different professional and personal background and I really look forward to see how this will all look like as we come together as students in an area seemingly new yet not unfamiliar to many of us. What I really appreciate about the climate in the class so far is the seemingly lack of competition. Unlike my previous experiences in the classroom, everyone is sharing knowledge and respecting the different views each brings in. It seems as though we are supporting each other to grow in our respective ways as we embark on this journey together. That definitely alleviates some of my anxieties of being in a foreign land and a minority in many instances.

So far so good! This marks the first entry in my journal. Shall look forward to the last entry in time to come and see how much of this will still be relevant!